I like being alone.

Why I like being alone.
Im currently listening to holy grail. Lets be honest ive been smoking a lot of weed lately. So deep down I am writing from the heart, And this is why I like being alone
Im in my own thoughts. Thinking about what got me here in the first place. The hate in the world.. People treating you like dirt. Even when you try and be a good person. People always throw it in your face.
Now I’m not saying im not guilty of that. But as you grow up you realise that. I’m only 21 .. But with a child, practically as a single mother, you come to realise shit like that.  It wasnt in my plan to become a young mother but by God, that little girl has changed my life. My little girl is growing to be the joy of my life.  Because of here I aspire to be the best I can be. As she grows up and learns new things. She becomes everything I aspire to be.
I’ve changed over time so much to be a loving individual, no matter my mistakes, who helps people in whatever way I can.
I’m completely going off topic!! Why I like to be alone. Well.. I come to realise these little things. When I try to become the best person I can be for me, my little Seph, my family and my friends.. I want to sit back and re evaulate the reason I am here ..the more I just chill to myself , the more I realise what I want to do in this world . I just want to inspire people. I want to be an inspiration. I want to encourage our young youth, particular in London to come off the street violence and love one another.  Look at what our ancestors have gone through for us!! .. The torment of slavery. And in humanity in general.. i.e the Holocaust. Open your eyes!
Us black people dem need to learn once again to love one another. Stand by our own! Now by that I don’t mean standing against one against the other (everyone in society), I mean learning our history, however learning to live in peace. For our sake.
Look back in time. As far as you can remember. Humanity has been turning their backs on each other. As far as I can recall our own black people turnt against our own in the assassination of Malcolm X. Now that man was a great leader. No matter of his views he stood up for What is right! And our own people took him out in front of his family. Disgusting.
If you really examine history, our world has only got worse. Through generations and generations. Im tired of living in a world full of divide .. Im tired of everyone including myself thinking they have to prove to everyone they are living a fuller life. To try and prove that we are living better than anyone else. We all have struggles .. What the whole world needs to do is join together as a community and be equal. Lets give to eachother. Lets learn to love each other. How the world would be such a better place. There’s nothing wrong to being open to other people’s views and beliefs. Listen to one another. I’m a strong believer in everyone just uniting. Just coming together as one! No hate!
We are all human! Whites, Blacks, Europeans, Arabs. Our blood is the same colour. We are one.
This night has been as night of eye opening for me. This week actually. I’ve realised what the world needs. What I need to do. What you need to do, What WE need to do.
Sending good vibes to all 🙂 thank you for reading, if you did.

My midnight thoughts.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with the downs of life. Some people drink, some people smoke, some people drown their sorrows with sad music and movies, and some people just close up. And that’s what I’ve done. I’ve closed up and I’ve shut myself off from everyone. I need to find myself. And if you took the time out to just find yourselves, I guarantee you will feel a lot better.

I am going to write about an experience so many people, like myself, has gone through: heartbreak. So many of us just do not know how to deal with the pain of someone leaving or betraying us. I was in that place at one point. And I really did not like it.

Heart break. We all go through it. But there’s always one that hurts you the most. Out of everyone who has hurt your feelings. Your heart shatters at the thought that the one person who you thought would never hurt you breaks you more than anyone else has ever done. My heart was broken like that around 10 weeks ago. When I found out that the person I thought I could find happiness with let me down. The one person I thought I was really connecting with. The person I considered a ‘best friend’. He lied to me and had been betraying me the whole time.

Now, I’m not going to get into the ins and the outs of the situation but it was a really hard time. It is a really hard time even though admitting is a bitter pill to swallow. I had to find a way to move on and stop obsessing over his every move. You know when you must cut someone out of your life but can’t find quite find a way to move on yet so you try your best to remain a part of their lives. A part in their lives where you thought you had a place. You try to get into contact with them anyway that you can. Try to reassure yourself in the head that keeps telling you that he still cares that he will reach back out to you. But he doesn’t. And your left to deal with your pain alone. And it’s not the pain where you can cover it from a band-aid, or go to the hospital and receive a few stitches; this is emotional pain. The pain I couldn’t see myself healing from.

But I did. I’ll finally tell you what I did:

I decided that I am going to find myself. Put myself on a journey where I become a stronger person than what I was. I removed myself from the world. I deactivated all social media apps (except Twitter, mainly because I have a brand-new account where people of the past cannot find me). Facebook, Instagram, even WhatsApp. I wanted to break free from everything that was keeping me back. I wanted to go back to the person I knew. I wanted to find that person again and develop from there. After all, I am only 21. I have so much of life to discover, so many lessons and obstacles I need to overcome. My life is just beginning. I realised that. I decided to do the little things that make me happy; truly invest quality time in myself. I wanted to read more books because before my spiral (you could say), I thoroughly enjoyed reading books, the news and general material. I reached out to family and friends I thought I’d never be able to reconnect with. I wanted to get involved in a new hobby, such as learning the guitar and blogging about my thoughts (like I am now). All of these little but big changes I want to achieve so that instead of focusing on the person who deeply hurt me; I can focus on becoming the best person you can be. Saying ‘good morning’ to someone while on your way to work or school, asking the cashier scanning through your lunch how their day is going, helping your mum out with a chore around the house that you really don’t want to do. People seem to forget that it is really the little things you do in your everyday life that really makes a big difference. Not only to you, but to others around you.

I’m waffling, but I wanted to get my message out there especially to our upcoming generation and young people and for everyone else who have gone through or are going through that heartbreak; just because someone hurts you to a point where you feel like you could just give up; you have the potential to begin to find yourself, pick yourself up and become the best person you can be.

To who-ever is reading my first personal online blog entry, thank you. I hope I’ve made sense 😊